Snake's internet life
by I'm Already Dead
Summary: CHAPTER FIVE IS UP! Read and Review please! Some really crazy things ahead...
1. Default Chapter

Hi there! Here's a story that was made at 3am, if it sucks blame it on the fact that I'm writing it in the middle of the night. And this story is incredibly ooc, don't bother complaining to me about it.  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Metal gear solid or the characters in it.  
  
  
  
One day after dinner, Snake decided he'd play a nice game of "Soldier of fortune", he walked over to the computer and sat down. He logged onto the Internet humming his favorite song. When he was connected, he started up the game. He logged in as "Snake the frag master" He met a nice kid on the net named, "Kid 64" Snake thought it would be a synch to beat this kid, he found out that he was completely wrong.  
  
Snake the frag master: "I'm gonna kick your ass kid!"  
  
Kid 64: "You'll be lucky to make it five steps old timer."  
  
Snake shot at the kid with his shotgun, the kid dodged it and shot back killing Snake easily.  
  
Snake the frag master: "Wtf? I lost!" Snake yelled at his computer and slammed his fists down.  
  
Kid 64: "Hahaha! Told ya you'd lose moron!"  
  
Snake got ready for action; he got out a "Rocket launcher" and prepared for war.  
  
He saw kid 64 running towards him, he shot the Rocket launcher he killed the bratt! Snake jumped out of his chair and screamed, "Take that you little son of a bitch!" Snake looked back at the screen and realized that he had killed himself too, making the frag he had worked so hard to get disappear. He screamed at the screen and punched it; Hal came running down the stairs, "Snake! That's a four thousand dollar computer!" he yelled.  
  
Snake got mad, he threw a vase at Hal, "Shut up! This is my time to have fun without your bitching!" the vase hit Hal in the back of the head cause he had ducked away from it. "Ow! Motherfucker! What the hells the matter with you?!" he yelled at Snake holding his head in pain.  
  
Hal realized why Snake was so angry; he was losing badly to a twelve year old on the Internet.  
  
Snake was pissed he yelled, "How come I'm the greatest soldier in the world, but I can't beat a kid in a online shooting game?!" he shouted in confusion.  
  
Hal came up behind him, "It's just a game, and the kids in there could never do what you do in real life." Hal said trying to comfort Snake.  
  
Snake ignored him, he got up from the seat so fast that it fell over. He kicked the computer desk angrily, "I'm the biggest moron in the whole world! I'm never going to play this fucking game again!" Snake sat down and tried the game one more time.  
  
When he logged back on the kid said, "Look it's that loser that can't get any frags!"  
  
This angered Snake, he got a rapid firing gun.  
  
He shot like crazy in all directions, he got one frag and then he was killed again.  
  
Kid 64: Let's all gang up on the loser!" all of the little kids got in a circle in nice hiding spots. They all waited patiently for Snake to come back. When he did they all shot him at the same time! Snake screamed and hit the computer; he jumped out of his seat and ran off into his bedroom to go to sleep.  
  
  
  
This worried Hal, he went to listen to Snake's door, "I'm a fucking loser! I let Meryl die and I let my character online die too!" Snake pounded his head against the wall in a fit of rage.  
  
Hal was sad; he didn't like too see Snake like this. He got an idea, "I can Haxor the game for him!" he ran over to the computer and worked to get Snake's characters all that it would need to be a god.  
  
  
  
The next morning Snake woke up and dragged himself out of bed. He walked over in to the computer room; those kids couldn't be on this early, he thought to himself. He saw a very tired Hal sleeping at the computer; he tapped him on the shoulder, "Hal wake up! Get up dammit!" Hal woke up and screamed, "I'm not asleep mom! Oh, it's you Snake. What can I do for you?" he said sleepily.  
  
Snake cleared his throat, "You can get off the computer and go to bed."  
  
Hal looked up surprised, "The computer! Snake I got you a new skin that looks just like you in soldier of fortune!" Hal said to him excitedly.  
  
"I don't know if that was a good idea, I might not play that game anymore." Snake said with a sad expression on his face.  
  
"Don't give me that crap! I worked all night on it, now you get your ass to playing it right now!" Hal shouted at him. Snake backed away from him in shock, "Why are you so mad? You don't even like it when I play these games." Snake replied.  
  
"I don't care if I like it or not, you're gonna play it and kick some mother fucking ass!" Hal yelled excitedly as he pushed Snake into the computer seat.  
  
Snake sat down cautiously Hal was acting so strange. "Hal, I don't want to get laughed at with you right behind me." Snake said motioning Hal to leave the room.  
  
"Oh, believe me…the one with the last laugh will be you. Those kids don't stand a chance." Hal walked out of the room and stood behind the door so Snake couldn't see him.  
  
Snake sighed and logged on to the game. To his surprise, those stupid kids were on at six am too! Damn, don't they ever sleep? Snake thought to himself.  
  
Kid 64: "You should leave before we humiliate you again." He taunted.  
  
Snake the frag master: "We'll see about that, punk!"  
  
Snake was immediately killed several time's, Hal rushed into the room before Snake got mad and typed "exec godmode" into the console, Snake now had all weapons and infinite health.  
  
"What are you doing?" Snake asked Hal impatiently.  
  
"Nothing, I was just fixing something." Hal finished what he was doing and left the room to make some coffee.  
  
Snake got back into the game, he was kicking some major ass now, and he was shooting everyone and not dying!  
  
Kid 64: "Hey! Are you cheating?"  
  
Snake the frag master: "It's called L33t playing skills moron."  
  
Kid 64: "No it's not! You're cheating I know it!"  
  
Snake the frag master: "Give it up, the reason you're dying is because you suck."  
  
Kid 64: "How could you be winning one minute later and not dying? I'll report your cheating ass!"  
  
Snake the frag master: "Who're you gonna report anything to? Your stupid mom that I was with last night?" Snake laughed.  
  
Kid 64: "Don't say that I'm just a kid you meany!"  
  
Snake the frag master: "Get used to it, I rule and you suck! ROTFF!"  
  
Consol: "Is this man cheating and picking on you?"  
  
Kid 64: "Yeah! He's cheating with super haxors!"  
  
Snake the frag master: "No I'm not! Shut the hell up you stupid bratt!"  
  
Consol: I've heard enough, you are banned for the next week. And no more cheating!"  
  
Snake the frag master: "Wtf? I can't play anymore!"  
  
Snake was banned from the server; he punched the screen in anger. But Then he got a new idea, "I'll just go into yahoo chat rooms and threaten little kids!"  
  
Snake logged into voice chat as, "Grey Fox"  
  
  
  
Grey Fox has just entered the chat room, "Hi faggots!"  
  
Flower lady: "That's not very nice."  
  
Spanky: "Yeah, shut the hell up faggot!"  
  
Pokemon freak: "Why are there so many jack ass's showing up lately."  
  
Grey Fox: "You gays better shut you're goddamn mouths!"  
  
Solid Snake240: "Hey, can't we all get along?"  
  
Grey Fox: "Hell NO! Stay the hell outta this!"  
  
Flower lady: "What's up your ass Grey fox?"  
  
Spanky: "I bet he's just gay, and he's taking it out on us."  
  
Grey Fox: "Shut up spanky! I'm having a bad day."  
  
Spanky: "Then get the hell out of here."  
  
Grrl 54: I think he just needs someone to talk to."  
  
Grey fox: "Shut up bitch!"  
  
Granny: "Be nice to the other kids sonny."  
  
Grey fox: "I'm in my thirties, you old bitch."  
  
Granny: "That's enough, if you say anymore things like that I'll have you banned."  
  
Grey fox: "Go ahead and try, I'm not braking any rules."  
  
Crackpot: "Yeah! So shut you're fuckin mouth old hag."  
  
Granny: "Grr…You kids make me sooo MAD!"  
  
Granny has logged out of yahoo chat.  
  
Grey fox: "LMFAO! We scared her off."  
  
Flower lady: "You to need to be nicer, she's just an old lady."  
  
Crackpot: "Who cares!"  
  
Spanky: "I don't, but it still wasn't very nice."  
  
Grrl 54: "I bet you guys are real cute in real life."  
  
Grey fox: "Shut up, no one wants to talk to you."  
  
Grrl 54: "You're a mean jerk!  
  
Grrl 54 has logged off of yahoo chat.  
  
Grey fox: "Hey crackpot, do you have any good games to play?"  
  
Crackpot: "Yeah there called…Fuck off Grey fox!"  
  
Grey fox: "I thought we were friends???"  
  
Crackpot: "I do this to everyone, I have no friends."  
  
Grey fox: "I see why FAGGOT!"  
  
Crackpot: "DUDE! You need to chill out."  
  
Grey fox: "And you need to get the fuck away from me asshole."  
  
Crackpot: "Screw you, you little fag."  
  
Grey fox: Go to hell moron!"  
  
Grey fox has logged off of yahoo chat.  
  
  
  
Snake stretched out his arms, I think I'll go see what Hal is up too. Snake walked into the kitchen and saw that Hal was drinking cup after cup of creamy coffee, "Is there something wrong?"  
  
Hal looked up from his coffee, "Get away from me asshole!"  
  
"What the hells wrong with you?"  
  
Hal left through the front door and slammed it behind him. "Huh? I wonder what got up his ass this morning." Snake poured himself a cup of coffee and went into the living room to watch some good Jerry Springer.  
  
  
  
That's it, Review please! 


	2. Internet FUN!

Hi, this is part of "Snake's internet life" I hope you all enjoy it!  
  
Review please!  
  
  
  
Snake was watching Jerry Springer happily in the den, the topic on today's show is "Transvestite love affairs" Jerry said excitedly.  
  
Snake watched the show eyeing the transvestite curiously, "I wonder what it's like to find out your girlfriends really your boyfriend." Snake said calmly to himself.  
  
Jerry announced the guest, "This Sonia, she has a secret to tell her boyfriend." Jerry smiled. "I wonder what it could be?" he smirked.  
  
Sonia in her manly voice says, "Jerry, I was born a man. I love my boyfriend though, I hope he can except me for what I am." Sonia said delightfully.  
  
"Yeah, and I can except that my wife has a dick." Jerry said with obvious sarcasm.  
  
The crowd laughed their Asses off at Jerry's joke.  
  
Jerry smiled, "Go on."  
  
"Well, I'm here today to tell him that I lied about being pregnant, and that I'm really a man." Sonia paused. "And I'm seeing another a Woman."  
  
The crowd cheered, "Yeah! Woohoo!"  
  
Jerry looked annoyed, "Let's bring him out, here's Ken." Jerry said motioning the next guest to come out.  
  
  
  
He walked out happily and gave his girlfriend a kiss. Jerry broke they're happiness, "Don't you have something to tell him?"  
  
"Yes, you see…I'm not really pregnant Ken." She said looking away from him in shame.  
  
"WHAT!? How could you lie to me?!" Ken asked frantically.  
  
"That's not everything, I'm also…a man." She said proudly.  
  
Ken blew up, he threw his chair at her/him, "Oh my Beeping god! How could you do this to me!" Ken screamed. "I hate you, you worthless fag! Get away from me!" Ken yelled at her/him.  
  
Ken yelled, "How could you lie to me? We've been together for two whole months! How could you do this, Beeping fag." He said covering his face in shame.  
  
"It's not like it was hard to tell, you're just stupid!" he/she said pointing a finger at Ken.  
  
The audience chanted, "What an idiot! What an idiot!"  
  
Jerry giggled, "That's enough, but don't you have on more thing to tell him."  
  
"Yes. Ken I'm seeing a woman…I don't want you anymore." Sonia said sympathetically.  
  
"Likewise bitch! I never want to see your filthy gay ass again!" he screamed and left the stage.  
  
Snake yawned, "That's enough of this crap." He switched off the remote control and went into the Kitchen.  
  
  
  
He got a jelly doughnut and went back to the computer room.  
  
"I feel like some online chatting," Snake said and logged on as "Grey fox"  
  
Grey fox has entered the chat room, "What's up morons!?"  
  
Kid 64, "Shut up, idiot!!!"  
  
Queerio, "Who's that guy?"  
  
Flower lady, "Just some idiot that was online earlier being an ass."  
  
Queerio, "Oh, get out of here idiot!"  
  
Grey fox, "Make me, dumbass."  
  
Queerio, "I'll find out where you live and kick your ass!"  
  
Grey fox, "Sure, I'm leaving this shit-hole."  
  
Queerio, "Good! Don't come back!"  
  
Grey fox has left the chat room.  
  
  
  
Snake smiled, "I'll go to the N*sync chat room next."  
  
He logged in as, "BsB lovar" Snake didn't like bsb he just wanted to piss people off.  
  
BsB lovar has entered the chat room, "What's up N*stink fans!?"  
  
Justin's gal, "If you're a bsb fan get the hell out of here!"  
  
BsB lovar, "It's a free country, I can say whatever I want."  
  
Jc's in my bed, "GO AWAY! WE DON'T NEED TO SEE IDIOTS LIKE YOU!!!"  
  
Crackpot has entered the chat room, "Hi chicklets!"  
  
Joey the fat one, "Finally some smart people have shown up."  
  
Crackpot, "Things would be a whole lot smarted around here if this chat room got destroyed! Harharhar!!!"  
  
BsB lovar, "Crackpot?"  
  
Crackpot, "Yeah, who the heck are you?"  
  
BsB lovar, "I'm not telling!"  
  
Crackpot, "I don't really care."  
  
Justin's gal, "All of you just leave!"  
  
Joey the fat one, "Shut up B****!"  
  
Justin's gal, "Fuck yourself!"  
  
Chat monitor, "You're now banned for using profanity."  
  
Justin's gal has been locked from chat.  
  
Chris rules, "Hey! Get rid of those guys instead!"  
  
Chat monitor, "No, if you keep telling me what to do I'll have you banned as well."  
  
Joey the fat one, "Ban her! Ban her! Ban her!"  
  
BsB lovar, "Yeah ban her, before you showed up she was calling us the f- word and threatening to kill us."  
  
Chat monitor, "Is that so, you're banned too!"  
  
Crackpot, "Man, do you have to get rid of all the chicks?"  
  
BsB lovar, "I'm a chick, talk to me!"  
  
Crackpot, "Ok, I want you to come over to my house and give me a B*** job."  
  
BsB lovar, "YOU'RE SICK! GET AWAY FROM US LITTLE GIRLS!"  
  
Lance's chick, "I'm thirty five, I'm not a little girl."  
  
BsB lovar, "EWWW! A CHILD PERVERT! GET AWAY FROM US!"  
  
Lance's chick, "I'm not a child pervert, you moron."  
  
Just then Snake heard the front door slam open.  
  
BsB lovar, "brb."  
  
Lance's chick, "Don't bother, *Hits bsb lovar over the head*  
  
  
  
Snake got up from the computer desk and went to talk to Hal.  
  
  
  
He saw that Hal had a few K-mart bags, "What were you doing at that place?" Snake asked.  
  
Hal glared at Snake, "Leave me alone Jackass!" he said as he went to fix himself a cup of coffee.  
  
Snake walked over to the bags and looked at what Hal had bought, Titanic the dvd, Tissues, Popcorn, soda, and adult diapers. Snake was surprised to see adult diapers in Hal's bag, "Hal…why did you buy diapers?" Snake asked a confused look on his face.  
  
Hal grunted, "They're for you,"  
  
Snake replied angrily, "What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
Hal sighed angrily, "It means that I've had it with you acting like a goddamn baby!" Hal threw his coffee mug at Snake.  
  
"OWW! What in the hell is wrong with you?" Snake asked holding his face in pain.  
  
"There's nothing wrong with me, I'm just fed up with you taking me for granted that's all." Hal said fixing himself a new cup of coffee.  
  
Snake looked at Hal angrily, "I don't take you for granted, how could I? You don't do anything!" Snake shouted.  
  
Hal took on long sip of coffee, "You know…if I don't do anything then I guess you don't need me for anymore mission." Hal said calmly. "Have fun, while you're out there killing the bad guys, I'll just be sitting at home reading tv guide magazines."  
  
Snake was angry he took out a knife, "You're not going to read any tv magazines, I'll cut your fuckin eyes out so that you can't look at the crap!" Snake lunged at Hal angrily with the knife.  
  
Hal got out a shotgun, "Put the knife down Snake,"  
  
Snake laughed, "You think you can shoot that thing?"  
  
In one quick movement, he threw the knife and grabbed the shotgun.  
  
"Now who's winning?"  
  
Hal threw the gun, "Fine, you win. Kill me, I have nothing left to live for anyways."  
  
"Come on, don't give up that easily." Snake grabbed the gun and put it back in the closet.  
  
Hal growled and ran into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.  
  
Snake ran after him, "Hey? Why do you take everything so damn serious?!"  
  
"Get away from my door Snake, I've got laser beams set up."  
  
Whatever, just remember, I have your precious Titanic dvd. You won't last that long."  
  
Snake said heading back into the kitchen to find something to eat.  
  
  
  
That's it for now, review! Please, I love reviews! 


	3. Snake, the detective.

Hi there, I've got a new chapter up! Read and Review please! Also, this is a very silly story. Nothing and I mean NOTHING in it should be taken seriously. With that said, enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story, the events that take place are completely fictional. (I bet you already know that.)  
  
  
  
Snake sat in the kitchen glaring at the Titanic DVD, thinking about all of the ways he could destroy it. Snake got out a knife, but realized that breaking the DVD would really piss Otacon's off. He threw the video down on the floor crushing it beneath his foot.  
  
"Stupid ass chick flicks! Why does he like them so much?" Snake questioned himself angrily.  
  
Snake picked the DVD up and carried it with him to the fridge, inside there were many interesting things to eat, "I think I'll have…" snake paused. "I want a Klondike bar!" Snake said happily as he closed the fridge and opened the freezer.  
  
He looked all over the inside of the freezer for a Klondike bar; there were none to be found.  
  
This angered Snake more than you could ever imagine, he grabbed an ice tray out of the freezer and carried it to Otacon's room.  
  
  
  
When he got there, he banged it against his door, "Otacon! You need to go to the store and buy Klondike bars!" Snake demanded.  
  
He heard cruel laughter from inside the room, "Sure Snake…I'll get it for you, on one condition." Otacon said evilly.  
  
Snake pounded on the door angrily, "What condition? I really want a Klondike bar!"  
  
Otacon walked up to the door and slid a piece of paper under it; Snake took the note and read it aloud. "Put on the adult diapers and walk out so that the whole block can see!" Snake ripped up the note angrily, in his anger he got a paper cut. "Ow! Mother fucker!" Snake yelled, pounding his hand on the wall in frustration.  
  
Otacon laughed, "Or you can go to the damn store yourself, Snake. I don't care either way." He said standing next to the door to hear Snake's pain.  
  
Snake pulled out the Titanic DVD, "You'll do it or I'll brake this piece of crap!"  
  
Otacon sneered, "You think after all of the years of knowing you that I wouldn't have a back up?" Otacon grinned. "Honestly Snake, do you ever use your head in any way shape or form that won't make you look like an idiot?"  
  
"I know I'm an idiot, I wouldn't be living with a homo like you if I wasn't." Snake stated.  
  
Otacon growled, "Listen here, just because I like Titanic doesn't mean I'm a homo!" he shouted at Snake through the door.  
  
Snake laughed, "But you like "you've got mail" too."  
  
"That's it shut up! I'm not gay you're just a damn homo-phobic idiot!" Otacon yelled at Snake.  
  
"How can I be a homo-phobe? I live with you after all." Snake said tossing the DVD out the window.  
  
"I already told you! I'm not fucking gay!" Snake heard Otacon throw something in the room.  
  
"You know… you're right, you're not fucking at all, cause no one wants you!" Snake replied angrily.  
  
He heard a something big drop near the door; he took a step back for cover. He heard Otacon laughed fiendishly, "This is it Snake, I'm going to kill you with my laser beam shooter!"  
  
Snake looked at the door glumly and walked away.  
  
  
  
Snake walked back into the living room, feeling depressed; he decided that watching Titanic would be a good idea right about now. So, he walked back to Otacon's room to ask permission to borrow it.  
  
He knocked on the door gently, "Um, Otcacon…can I borrow Titanic for awhile?" Snake asked feeling stupid.  
  
Otacon laughed hysterically, "Let me get this strait, you want to borrow my movie?" he smiled. "It's a chick flick, Snake."  
  
Snake growled, "I don't care! Let me have it for awhile."  
  
"Why should I? Go away, I'm not giving you a damn thing!" Otacon said selfishly.  
  
Snake pounded the wall, "Give it to me, or I'll come in there and slit your throat!" he threatened.  
  
"You don't even like Titanic, go away!" Otacon said slipping something under the door.  
  
Snake looked down, "Lassie? Why would I want this?" Snake asked.  
  
Otacon laughed, "Because, you're a dog loving creep! Now take it and get the hell away from my door!" Otacon said, things crashing could be heard from outside the room.  
  
"Geeze, could you stop throwing stuff around? You're scaring the neighbors."  
  
Otacon growled and opened the door, "Snake, I want you to take that video and get out of here." Otacon said eyeing Snake angrily.  
  
Snake sighed, "Where would I go?"  
  
"Why don't you go chat, or something?" Otacon suggested.  
  
"Hmm, see ya." Snake said turning from Otacon to walk to the computer room.  
  
"Well, looks like you're happy now." Otacon said. "I'm going to do some computer work in my room, ok?"  
  
"Alright, see ya later." Snake left the room with a smile on his face.  
  
  
  
Snake sat down eyeing the computer screen; he logged onto aol and made his screen name "Sweet thing". Snake chuckled to himself, "Oh boy, that should attract some unsuspecting child perves."  
  
He went to a website and put his im screen name down, not two minutes later he got a reply.  
  
Anime freak, "Hey, what's up?"  
  
"I wonder who this dumbass is." Snake said before replying.  
  
Sweet thing, "Nothing much, u?"  
  
Anime freak, "Just talking to you, Sweet thing."  
  
Sweet thing, "How sweet, you're a guy huh?"  
  
Anime freak, "Yep, anything else you'd like to know?"  
  
Sweet thing, "Um, I don't know. Are you cute?"  
  
Anime freak, "Of course I am. What about you?"  
  
Sweet thing, "I'm so CUTE you wouldn't believe it."  
  
Anime freak, "Oh, I wouldn't would I?"  
  
Sweet thing, "Nope, I'm the cutest girl that you'll ever meet on the Internet."  
  
Anime freak, "I won't believe it until you send me a pick."  
  
Sweet thing, "Sure, I'll send you a cute one!"  
  
Anime freak, "It better be! lol."  
  
Sweet thing, "Oh don't worry, you'll like it."  
  
Anime freak, "I bet."  
  
Sweet thing, "Hold on a sec, I have to send it to you. What's your e-mail address?"  
  
Anime freak, "Freaky dude @AOL.com."  
  
Anime freak, "I better be impressed."  
  
Sweet thing, "Ok, I'll send it to you in a minute."  
  
Anime freak, k, I'm waiting babe.  
  
  
  
Snake went to a search engine and looked up "Cute little girls", it wasn't long after that that he found lots of interesting websites.  
  
Snake found a cute little blond and saved the pic, then he sent it to the guys e-mail address.  
  
Sweet thing, "I sent it, go check it out."  
  
Anime freak, "Alright."  
  
Snake waited patiently for a reply.  
  
Anime freak, "Wow! You're hot!"  
  
Sweet thing, "*Giggles* thanks."  
  
Anime freak, "I know this sounds crazy, but do you want to meet soon?"  
  
Sweet thing, "Sure, where?"  
  
Anime freak, "Wait! I don't even know where you live."  
  
Sweet thing, "In N.Y.C."  
  
Anime freak, "Ok, how about we meet at the "Mall"?"  
  
Sweet thing, "Sure, I'll be wearing a white mini skirt and a black top."  
  
Anime freak, "Ok, I'll see you there, Sweet thing."  
  
Sweet thing, "K, see ya."  
  
  
  
Snake laughed aloud to himself, "Looks like I'll be catching a huge pervert soon!  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile with Otacon, "I can't believe I'm actually going to meet a girl!" Otacon shouted excitedly. "Hahahah! The ruler of the internet strikes again!"  
  
  
  
Ha, that's it for now. If you want to see what happens next you'll just have to read and review. 


	4. Bum's, bookstores, and old grandma's.

Wow, sorry for taking so long with the next chapter. (Sports take priority over my life!) I hope it's good, enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Hello kitty shop, and I don't have anything against old people. Nothing in here should be taken seriously.  
  
The rest of the day was a blur, Snake watched the movie about a dog; he found it so utterly annoying that he took the DVD out of the play station two and broke it in two! He went back into the kitchen to find something to eat, he took a beer and some potato chips back into the den and clicked on the TV. He decided that he'd watch 7th heaven, since it was the only thing on. On the show Ruthie the little girl was beating the dog for pooping in her room, Lucy ran in, and grabbed her little sister. She explained to her why it was wrong to beat animals. The show made Snake want to vomit, but he kept watching. The little girl looked pissed, "Shut up Lucy! I can do whatever I want!" Ruthie yelled like a hellion.  
  
Lucy continually tried to be sensitive, "Why would you hit an animal? They're God's gift to us, so that we don't loose sight of the fact that we need to animals to feel complete." Lucy said. "Now, do you still want to hit the dog?"  
  
Ruthie looked down at herself sadly, and then she looked back up at Lucy with a wild grin on her face. "YES! I want to hit animals, and burn houses!" Ruthie made a run for it towards the back door, grabbing a liter on her way out. Annie ran after the brat, "Stop Ruthie, you'll hurt people! I'm not like your father I'll spank your ass so hard you won't have feeling in it anymore!" she said chasing after her with a wooden spoon. Eventually, she caught up to her and beat the crap out of the kid! "There, who's in charge now?" Annie said triumphantly.  
  
"No one!" Ruthie detonated the bomb that was on her body because she was a terrorist in disguise the whole time! She blew up the whole neighborhood, ending the gay show forever! Snake was wiping his eyes as more tears fell from them, he couldn't help it the show was laugh your ass off funny! He finished the rest of his beer and went to talk to Otacon.  
  
  
  
He opened the door and saw that Otacon was trying on leather pants and a leather jacket to match. Snake looked at him strangely, "Are you trying to pull off the I'm a bad-ass nerd look? You look ridiculous." Snake said.  
  
Otacon looked up angrily, "What are you doing in here? What have I said about knocking?!" he said sounding frustrated.  
  
"Geeze, sorry." Snake said, "You don't have to be so tense about everything."  
  
"I do when I have to look good, you wouldn't know anything about it." Otacon said sadly. "What did you want anyways?"  
  
Snake thought back for a minute, "Oh yeah, I want to borrow your shooting game with the long haired guy in it." Snake said.  
  
"You mean Metal gear solid two?" he questioned.  
  
Snake nodded, "Yep, I want to play it, I'm so bored today."  
  
Otacon searched his drawer for the game, when he found it he tossed it to Snake thinking that he was watching for it. It hit Snake in the head, "Argh! What's wrong with you?!" Sanke yelled. "Oh, the game! Thanks Otacon!" Snake took the game with him back into the den.  
  
Otacon shook his head, "I swear, he is such an airhead."  
  
  
  
He put the game into the machine and waited for it to load, he started up a new file and saw that the main character looked just like him! "What is this? I'm a video game? Oh well." He started playing it. It was eerily the same as a mission he had went on before, "I've got it! Someone was spying on us and they created this game!" Snake said to himself. He listened to the useless advice he got from Otacon; soon, he pushed the skip button. One thing Otacon said made him giggle though, "Use a gun to kill an enemy soldier, don't smoke Snake! Cigarettes are bad for your health!"  
  
Snake replied, "So is war, and I've been doing that all of my life. What about the pot you're taking? I need you, you can't be getting high like that."  
  
Snake broke down and laughed, thinking about how much this conversation really did remind him of Otacon.  
  
He played the game and beat the crap out of Olga, then he shot her unconscious body with tranquilizers. He then received a call from Otacon, "What the hell are you doing? What kind of a monster are you? Shooting a defenseless woman! You 'ought to be ashamed, Snake!"  
  
Snake replied, "Shut it! Keep that mouth quiet unless I ask you to talk!" Snake yelled back.  
  
"Fine! I won't call again jackass!" Otacon said and turned off the codec.  
  
Snake stared at the screen, "Wow, I didn't know that you could piss the nerd off like that." Snake said to himself. He got all the way to the part when you have to play as Raiden, he spit out his beer when he saw the character.  
  
"What now?! I have to play as a Sephiroth wanna be?" Snake said. "Geeze, what does everyone see in that guy? He's just a sword swinging sissy. I could shoot his ass down in a second, he wouldn't even be able to pull the sword out in time."  
  
He quit playing the game 'cause it was 12 am; he decided that he'd go to sleep. He dragged himself into the bathroom and brushed his teeth. Then he walked into his room and lied down on his unmade bed.  
  
  
  
His dreams were full of thoughts on how he was going to send a pervert to jail tomorrow, he smiled in his sleep, the best thing a human being can do is protect the innocent. Then he had a strange dream, Otacon was in it, with a little girl. Snake didn't know why but he was filled with rage at the sight, he ran over to his friend and punched him, knocking him to the floor violently. He woke up when he heard a scream! "Huh? What the fuck's going on, Otacon?!" he asked in a sleepy voice.  
  
"Nothing, just stay the hell out!" he replied.  
  
"Ok, suit yourself. Don't scream again." Snake turned on his side and went back to sleep.  
  
  
  
He got up the next morning with the bright sun shining on him. He woke up tiredly, and dragged himself to his drawer and took out some fresh clothes. Then he walked into the bathroom. He started undressing himself, when he had all of his clothes off he opened the shower curtain. He saw Otacon lying in the tub with a rubber ducky!  
  
"Ahh! What are you doing Snake!?" he screamed. "Can't a guy have a little privacy?" Otacon asked.  
  
"At least you have bubbles, get the fuck out, I need to get clean." Snake growled.  
  
"No. You get out of here, I was in here first." Otacon giggled, "Snake, could you put some clothes on? Would that be to much trouble?"  
  
Snake blushed, "Oh, damn. I'm out of here." Snake covered himself and walked out of the bathroom.  
  
  
  
He used the guest bathroom instead, he turned on the faucet and took a hot shower, he sang in the shower too! "Oops, I did it again! I played with your heart we got lost in this game, oh baby, baby, oops you think I'm in love that I'm sent from above…I'm not that innocent!" He sang very loudly. Otacon was banging on the door, "Shut up! And you call me the queer? What in the hell is wrong with you! Stupid idiot with a little girl fetish." Otacon walked off to make some coffee.  
  
  
  
Snake rinsed himself off and jumped out of the shower. He got dressed in a pair of jeans and t-shirt. He walked out and hit Otacon with a soap on a rope, "That's what you get for yelling at me."  
  
"Ya, ya, shut up! I wish I could kill you!"  
  
"That's right, you do wish, you can't do anything but dream."  
  
"Whatever, I'm leaving." Otacon grabbed his leather jacket and walked out the front door.  
  
I wonder where he's going? Oh well, he's a wuss he'll probably get gang raped." Snake said as he poured himself a cup of coffee. He drank it slowly, and then he washed his cup. He put it away and grabbed some money; he put his coat on and went to meet with the "Pervert."  
  
  
  
He walked out of the building intently, this man was going down. He caught a bus and waited for it to arrive at the mall. When there he went into the "hello kitty" shop and asked a little girl in a white mini skirt to come and help him, she accepted. He told the girl to wait at the cinnabon shop, until a man showed up. Sooner than Snake had expected a man had shown up, to his surprise it was Otacon! "It can't be? he'd never…I can't believe this!" Snake got a little closer so that he could hear what they were talking about, "You want to go back to my car?"  
  
"Um…no, my mom wouldn't like that."  
  
"You look like your at least 15, you can handle it, forget your mom."  
  
"Uh…you're a weirdo! Help mister!" Otacon had his hand on the girl. Snake was enraged.  
  
"Otacon what the hell are you doing?! Get your hands off of that girl!" Snake yelled.  
  
Everyone in the mall was now looking, "Snake? What the fuck are you doing here?!"  
  
All of a sudden, the mother of the girl was there, "Get away from my daughter!" she hit Otacon with her purse and ran off with the girl.  
  
"I can't believe this, how could you do such a thing?" Snake asked in disbelief.  
  
"Easy, it's how I've always been. You just…never noticed." He said shamefully.  
  
"How long have you had this alternate life?"  
  
"For a month or two. I swear I wasn't going to do anything to her!"  
  
"Shut up, I don't want to hear anymore lies! Go and find a woman that's older than 17 for once!"  
  
"Regular women never like me, you don't know anything about it!" Otacon screeched.  
  
"I know enough. I know that you can do better than a little girl, now you promise me that this will never happen again." Snake said.  
  
"I don't know if I can do that, not now, Snake." He said avoiding his threatening stare.  
  
Snake couldn't help himself, "What do you mean you can't change? There's always another chance! Don't feed me this bullshit!" Snake said in an intimidating voice.  
  
Otacon hid his face In shame, "I can't take it anymore Snake, maybe we should just end our friendship…"  
  
Snake looked at him crazily, "Is that your way of dealing with life's little problems? Just end it, never fix it?" Snake sighed. "I can't take this anymore, grow up. Let's go home and see about getting you a psychologist, ok?"  
  
"I don't need a shrink! I'm not crazy!" Otacon was waving his arms in the air and hit an old lady in the face!  
  
"Aghh! What the hell do you think you're doing! Sonny?!" the old hag screamed.  
  
"Oh, I'm um…sorry..."  
  
"Is that all you have to say? You could've broke my cheek bone acting so careless!" she screeched.  
  
"I told you I was sorry! What the fuck else do you want me to say, lady?!" he yelled in her face.  
  
She looked at his face angrily, "I just want a little respect! It's old fuck's like me that made this country what it is today, not little spoiled fuck ups like you!" she screamed. "Dammit, what does a woman have to do these days to find a man that isn't a retard?" she asked herself.  
  
Otacon stared at the woman with a strange look on his face, "How about…I take you out to dinner, as an apology?" he asked kindly.  
  
She looked up surprised at the sudden burst of kindness, "Oh my, well, I'd love to. Where do you want to meet?"  
  
"How about that fancy French restaurant? At 6:30?" Otacon knew that old people went to bed early.  
  
"Yes, we shall meet there, I'll see you later, sonny." She said sexily.  
  
"OK, can't wait." Otacon giggled, "Old slut, who does she think she's fooling?"  
  
Snake was in awe at the situation, "Are you going to tell me that you went from young women to old women in a mere five minutes?"  
  
Otacon gazed over at Snake, "Why yes, is there anything wrong with older women?" he asked knowingly.  
  
"Why yes, there is! Have you ever considered what they look like naked?" Snake asked like a mean guy.  
  
Otacon looked away from Snake, "Well, I guess I'm not as perverted as you are. Because I've never thought about what a fifty year old woman looks like naked."  
  
"Yes you have, everybody does! What's there not to think about?!"  
  
"I told you I haven't, so forget about it! It won't last long, she'll end up hating me, just like the others." Otacon said hopelessly.  
  
Snake went to put an arm around his friend, "You know, you're step mom doesn't count. And Wolf and you never were to begin with."  
  
"You know why me and Wolf never were?" Otacon paused. "You fuckin' killed her! You're the reason I'm single right now, I could be a father by now. But no, a stupid asshole like you had to show up and kill her!" Otacon yelled in Snake's face. "You took my hope away, I hope that you're happy with yourself. 'Cause well, I'm never going to be happy again!" With that said Otacon ran out of the mall, hitting as many people as he could on his way out.  
  
"OW! Stupid son of a bitch! Stop that crazy bastard!" a random man yelled.  
  
Snake followed him, but he couldn't find Otacon so he decided to stop by the book store.  
  
  
  
He gazed open mouth at all of the porno magazines, the man next to him tried to grab a copy of, "Wild ass sex" but Snake snatched it first and hit his hand.  
  
"Ow! You don't have' to be so mean about it? There's more than one copy, you know?"  
  
"Of course I know, now could you please get the hell out of here? I need to be alone while I choose one."  
  
"Fine, dumbass." He stomped off angrily.  
  
Snake took another one titled, "Lord of the tit rings" he took that one. It had a mystical wizard woman, naked on the cover. "I'm buying this! Oh yeah!" he took it to the counter and put down his credit card. The man scanned it through, he got a disappointed look on his face, "I'm sorry, sir. But your credit card has reached it's limit."  
  
"What? That's impossible! That piece of shit must've been using it!"  
  
"Are you going to pay in cash or what? There's other people waiting in line, you know."  
  
"Nah, I'll just…TAKE IT FOR FREE!" Snake snatched the porno and ran as fast as he could out of the store. "Security, security!" the clerk yelled.  
  
Snake was almost home free, and then a big cop jumped out of nowhere and wrestled him to the ground.  
  
"Let me go! You fat son of a bitch!" Snake punched the cop in the nose and got back on his feet, he ran out of the door and waited at the bus stop. Just when the cop was about to get him, he boarded the bus and made his escape! (He is an expert at it.)  
  
  
  
Snake sat down in a comfortable bus chair, a homeless person sat down next to him. Snake almost choked on the nasty fumes coming from the man, He got up and moved to another chair, the homeless person followed him! Snake growled at him, "what the fuck is your problem? Keep your drunk ass away from me, dammit!"  
  
"I'm just trying to be a friendly person and be friendly with you!"  
  
"Well I don't fucking want you to be a friendly bum! Now get lost!"  
  
"Nope, I've got just as mach right to sit here as you do." He said proudly.  
  
"Uh, no you don't. Look around, the whole bus is empty except for us, get another fuckin' seat!" he screamed.  
  
"No, I like sitting with you, you smell pretty." The old man petted Snake's hair back lovingly.  
  
Snake grabbed his hand and twisted it, "Get the fuck away from me! I'm not a homo!"  
  
The old man looked hurt, "I can't believe I'm getting rejected again! God help me."  
  
"Yeah, God help him get a fuckin' shower soon." Snake said sarcastically.  
  
  
  
Awww, I hope this was good. I hope the wait was worth it for you guys, the next chapter could take a long time, but review, it's the only inspiration I get. 


	5. The wrong things to do.

Snake's Internet life! Yay! It's another chapter, I hope it's good. Review please, playing sports everyday has been hard on me, and I would love to hear from you all!  
  
  
  
It was nearing dinnertime, Otacon looked up from his desk to see that it was 6:00. His eyes widened when he realized that he'd be late if he didn't get dressed and take a shower right this second. He rushed into the bathroom carrying his nice black pants and button up shirt in his arms. He turned the faucet, and jumped in. At first, it was cold; Otacon let out a scream! Then, he calmed down and enjoyed the sensation of the water as it cascaded down over his body. He remembered meeting the old lady earlier that day. Her face was so beautiful, wrinkled, and pale. Her eyes were just as lovely, faded blue, like the lady from titanic. "Aw. This is going to be one hell of a night." Otacon said, bringing the shampoo bottle into the palm of his hand, depositing just enough to cleanse his hair with. The smell of apples filled the air. Otacon inhaled it, enjoying the sweet fragrance. Just then, a thought came across his mind, "Snake, he'll try to ruin my big night!" Otacon said, realizing the truth about what the outcome of this night would be. He shook his head, "I can't let him, I'll just have to sneak out of the house." He told himself, as he rinsed the remaining shampoo from his hair. After that, he turned the facet and jumped out of the shower. He toweled himself off, not thinking about what he was doing now, only feeling lost in his thoughts.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Snake was still sitting on the same bus on opposite sides of the old man. He glanced over to see that the man was still weeping and looking pathetic. Snake felt guilty, he probably shouldn't have yelled like he did. He glanced over at him again, taking a long look at the man's puffy face, which had resulted from his profuse amount of crying. Snake sighed loudly, thinking about how much he wanted to just forget this had ever happened. "What was there to forget? You only just met this bum a little while ago, he isn't important or anything." He thought to himself, thinking hard about his next move. Then he thought about how that guy had just flirted with him, he acted like the idiot, certainly not Snake. He heard the man whimper some more, except now it was louder, and more relentless than before. Not being able to take much more of this, Snake practically jumped out of his seat, and started to strangle the old man! Snake couldn't take anymore, he was roughly banging the poor old bum's head against the seat as he choked him. The man's face was turning red now; he was struggling against Snake's grasp on him with all that he had in him. Snake laughed insanely, "You wanted me didn't you? Well how do you like it fucker!?" Suddenly the bus came to a screeching halt! A big woman in uniform came running at Snake with a large stick! She yelled, "This isn't a fuckin' bar! Take your shit somewhere else or I'll have to get the goddamn cops over here!" "Shut up! you fat ugly bitch!" Snake replied, arrogantly ignoring the woman's threat. "You're askin' for it you stupid ass little punk!" She said as she swung the stick down over Snake's head! Snake cried out in pain, he dropped the man from his grasp and began to hit the woman in his place. The two of them got into a struggle, Snake over powered her and struck her with the stick, beating down on her like he would kill her if not stopped.  
  
The man stood there watching, gasping for breath. Then he realized that he needed to get help, or this obviously insane man would end up killing this woman. He pushed past Snake unnoticed. He ran into the streets screaming, "Help, help! There's a great smelling man on the bus trying to kill the driver!" People all over started screaming in a panic, "The one and only driver is going to die! God help her!" One man screamed, "God can't help, he's whoring for Satan right now!" Then all of the people on the streets started to take their anger out on the unreligious man that had put God's name to shame.  
  
Sooner than expected, the lazy cops had shown up, donuts in one hand and coffee in the other. They all waltzed over to the crowd like it was no big deal to them; they hit a woman with a bat sending her flailing to the ground. One cop even poured coffee on her and licked it off like a nasty pervert! The other ones laughed like 'lil bitches as they took more swings at people.  
  
Finally, they had made their way onto the bus. Snake hitting the woman relentlessly was in plain site of anyone that was to walk into the bus. "Stop right there!" the cop yelled, "Get your hands in the air where I can see them! Or I'll have to beat you off of that driver!" Snake was as if in a trance, he continued to hit the woman. Blood was now forming on the woman's forehead, this excited Snake more! He wanted to hurt someone, make them wish they'd never fucked with him. The cop yelled once more at Snake, "Get the mother fuckin' hell away from her, now!" Snake grunted angrily, "You just shut your fat mouth! Can't you see that I'm busy here?" "Why you little son of a bitch! I'm not fat! You take that back, or I'll make you live to regret it!" he said threateningly.  
  
All of a sudden, Snake dropped the woman, letting her unconscious body fall to the floor. Snake glared at the cop, "So, you wanna see my bad side, huh, little cop?" The cop stuffed a donut into his mouth and replied, "Oh, you're scaring me. I'm shaking in my boots!" Snake snickered, "You call those lady's shoes boots?" he said, "Look at you, you fat disgusting cop! Why don't you shove a donut up my ass? That's probably the only thing you could do to me that would actually catch me off guard." "Shut the fuck up! Or maybe I will shove a donut up that dirty little ass of yours!" the cop growled. Snake snickered, "For your information, my ass happens to be very clean. I don't butt fuck with my friends like you do!" The cop's face turned bright red, "Oh my god. how the fuck did you know that?" Snake started laughing manically, "Oh fuck! I was just making stuff up, and then I really find out that you do that shit!"  
  
The cop took advantage of Snake's laughing state. He quietly told the other cops to come in and handcuff him. When Snake had finally quite laughing, he noticed that all of the cops had surrounded him. He couldn't move his hands, he tried and kept trying, but soon realized that he was cuffed like a criminal. "Hey! What the hell? I didn't do anything!" Snake yelled. One of the cops that were sifting through Snake's belonging's said, "Well, on the contrary, you did beat a bus driver to a near death state. We'll have to take you to the Station." Snake started crying, "Please don't! I didn't mean it, the voices.they told me to do it!" "Sure, sure, tell it to the judge." The cop said, "Oh, and it looks to me that you stole some things too!" He laughed, "Enjoy the phone call you're going to get, it might be the last time that trash like you gets a chance to even talk to the outside world."  
  
  
  
Inside the police car, Snake couldn't think about anything in particular. Thoughts of his friend Otacon echoed in his mind. Was he going to care that he was going to jail? Snake asked himself. Well, if he doesn't care then I might just have to kill the little runt when I get out of the slammer!  
  
  
  
I hope you liked it! Review please, positive and negative comments are welcome. 


End file.
